Can’t hold me back

I AM IN OPERABLE, UNSTOPABLE. Don’t use terminal or palliative around me because I will give you a bit of a mouth full.

So this time last year they never thought I would make it, well I got past all of that. Had a check up through the week and had a look at the levels of the steroids in my system. The steroids they are tying to wean me off because they didn’t seem to help, infact between them and the chemo I was well and truly stuffed.  But now am a lot better. Chemo and steroids totally messed with my system and then throw in warfarin well it was a struggle. I had brittle bones, four broken ribs, fractured both hips fracture in the lower vertebrae. Lets not forget the issues of hair and ratty teeth, they loosen and get brittle finger nails and toe nails well they were a disaster.

But on to the good news so after weaning me slowly off the  steroids it seems like my pituitary glands might actually be woken up and kicking back in. That is good news, as they have changed the steroids and lowered the dosage I have slowly lost a lost of the weight I had put on. But I have to work a bit on that now, because I was forbidden to do a lot of sport because of the tumour and the drugs. So I can now do some gentle sports. I am trying to get my walking back up to a decent amount to help lose weight. I have to cut down on the intake of food too.

But again let’s get back to the good stuff so if my next two tests show positive that is it  totally off the drugs.  It is wonderful to be off them, yet, and here is the hard bit, I will be on nothing but pain killers for the constant head ache and an anti-depressant to help with the swelling in the brain.  So I will be on no Cancer medications again.

They say the words terminal. They sit in front of me and talk of long-term palliative care. They give that smile and gentle touch my knee.  I hate to ruin the moment but I had to, I told them no bus in ending here. and I am inoperable and unstoppable. I remind them they told me about five years ago that I could go like that (snap of the fingers) or last for twenty years.  Well I am betting on the twenty years. I know they treatments they have put me through have shortened my time. Hell I was revived so many times I have a visitors right and a lot of fly buy points to the other side.

Life is life, its good its bad its just it.  How totally un-profound! but  I have to make the most of it. I am not little miss sunshine, I am more little miss moonlight, dark, gloomy but full of beauty and life if you really see it.  I am not going to give in. I am not going to be one of these annoying women who are perky and smile through it all (they are on major drugs if they are). Life happens shit happens and we all have to die one day, so what the hell does it matter. Has this changed me? yes is has I am more selfish now. I have helped and given and believed in “there but for the grace of God go I” My  mother and father always taught us to share and give. We were poor but we always had room for some one who  needed it, food, and clothing. Do unto others…

When you are really sick and lost you really find out who your real friends are. it’s not about what they can give or do. Prayers work so hard and so wonderful.

So back to the positive no major drugs soon, I will be doing it as it is meant to be by those who write the script of our lives. I intend to watch my children grow. I want to be here to hold my first grandchild. I want to watch my daughter perform on stage. I want to dance a waltz with my son. I want to share a coffee and gossip with big girl, I want to see her happy. I want to see my littlest reach the heights that she wants, she is still deciding where she wants to be in life, but she will find it.


About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at View all posts by proudblacksista

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