I was having a crap day, just a bit of an ache. I stopped whinging to myself (no one in the house will listen) after I had a couple of pain killers and a big reminder to myself.
This time last year I wasn’t expected to live. I had a lot of pain between the brain tumour and the lungs, but mainly from my bones. The Chemo therapy had made my bones brittle. I have had four ribs broken one twice. I have had a major fracture in one hip and a lesser fracture. Lets add to that a herniated disc and fractured L1 & L2 this is on the spine and it affects the hips and abdomen. Because I was so ill with the reactions from Chemotherapy gone wrong, high blood pressure, taking warfarin tablets to thin the blood and also still on the steroid. I couldn’t be operated on so I had to have a sling kind of thing and do minimal movement. I had my physio everyday in hospital and everyday when I came out. The Doctors were sure that I would never walk again. Well I can walk I do hurt quite a bit at times but I am mobile and intend to be for quite a long time.
But when I was going through all of this I was in massive amounts of pain I was screaming and swearing I was cussing God demanding to know why this was happening to me. Why couldn’t I just die in peace?
All the time I just wanted death. A sweet release from the pain the anguish and the drama of all the problems. Death is not something you really want unless you are in a lot of pain or you see no end in sight. Some talk of suicide as a horrid problem and I agree. I don’t like teenage suicides etc. . I will talk on them on another day.
But for the hopeless, the ones in pain sometimes assisted suicide can be a blessing. Don’t talk to me of Gods blessing of life. Talk to me of the Blessing of the release of the pain the horror of what I have been through. These are major problems. No one can understand unless you have lived through it.
Curled up in a ball, not being able to go to the toilet. You loose all dignity when you are lying in a bed covered with your own shit and piss. Screaming in pain and anger that you cannot stop the pain. You cannot control your bowels and then you start throwing up as well.
Have you ever had your 11 year old daughter try to pick you up off the ground? Have you ever had to depend on you teenage son to lift you out of your own shit and have your daughters try to clean you down. While they are doing this. You are screaming in pain and shame. You totally lose the plot. All the drugs affecting you all you can do is scream and scream and scream again.
I would hurl abuse at my children. Talk about a dysfunctional family, my children dealt with so much. Two were still in high school, one had just started when I was hospitalised. My son had moved out of home and then had to move back home to help take care of me. My 16 year old daughter she moved out of home to get away from me. She and me arguments all the time. We had physical arguments we shouted we yelled we chucked things at each other. It was horrible. But happily we are now all together. She needed to move out for her own good and mine. She really couldn’t cope with school work and a sick mum. Don’t get me wrong that we sorted it all easy. It took a lot of talking and arguing to get through it all.
My big boy gave up university to move home to help take care of me and his youngest sister. That was hard too. Because he and I had fought a lot before he moved out. And we fought a lot when he moved back in. but we would after a cooling down period talk.
The baby of the family was caught in the middle she was a lost soul and had no where to go she kept it all in.
But we got through it. I don’t have any major pain days anymore. I still have days when suicide seems like a good option but today isn’t one of them. Today I just needed to be reminded to be thank full.