Monthly Archives: November 2014

When the darkness comes

The feeling of loss, hopelessness and that nothing will ever be right creeps in every now and then. The voice in your head says buck up you will get through this shit. But part of you says no I won’t. Suicide isn’t the escape of cowards it takes a lot of thought to even process the idea and to think there is nothing better.

Some feel that the world or their families will be better off with out them. Some think they have reached the pinnacle of life and its down hill from here. Then people wonder why? She had the whole of her life ahead of her. He was doing so well, this just came out of no where.

Sometimes talking to someone helps. Some times it doesn’t it makes it worse. How do you get through the darkness?

I have faced the darkness and beat it a couple of times and sometimes I failed. But the attempt didn’t work. I can only after that pick myself up and say God has put me here for a reason, I have to work it out. He needs me to do a job. But what?

They tell me suicidal thoughts are common with brain tumours I can understand. Last year the amount of times I wanted to die to save myself from the pain I was going through. I also at times thought it would be best for my kids. That way they were not having to deal with the calls to come up and say good-bye to your mum. But I got through that.

So why does the darkness sometimes just come out of nowhere and want me to give into to the lure of peace and calm of death? If I knew the answer to that well I would be able to save a lot of people. I wouldn’t get rich off it I would just share it and make sure people understood.

Understanding is the key. How does one person fall at something so minor and yet another keep soldiering on through so much hurt anguish and heartbreak, with never a thought of opting out.

My children are my key. I want to watch them all grow up and be the best they can be. I want to watch them grow and blossom I also am selfish enough to admit I want grannies to play with.

But yet sometimes this isn’t enough. the Blackness creeps in and I have to fight it or give in. I am blessed with a group of good family and friends who help and stand by me. But how do you tell someone over a coffee “Pass the sugar and oh by the by I tried to top myself last night. Thank you” It just doesn’t work. So you need key people to talk to who won’t over react who wont stress or freak out.

Counselling is a good thing. I have a wonderful counsellor who is there and sees the problem and believes in setting up plans and strategies that my children are involved in. Why? Because they need to understand what’s happening and they need back up and help because they have already been through so much with a sick mother they need support.

So Why am I sharing this, it’s a reminder we all need help every now and then. We all can reach the point of no return, but there is a return. Don’t be ashamed of asking for help. Don’t worry about any body who might view this as a weakness. Those who see mental health as gamin and dare I say it “All in your head” are living in denial. They aren’t looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses, they are myopic. They don’t want to see or understand. Its bigotry, and this holds a lot of people back from seeking help.

So if the darkness comes after you, find some one safe or a couple of people. you can tell each person a different part of the puzzle if that makes you feel better and makes you feel like you are not overloading one person.

But please talk about it. Don’t hide away, don’t dig your own grave.


First contact

I hope you watched first contact. It was a great series. It shows just how racism is still alive and well in Australia. As many nationalities know we have a bigotry problem in Australia. That program made many people face their own issues as they went on the journey with the six then five white Australians. They slowly changed their minds. I think that it was because they met average everyday Aboriginal people. They didn’t meet the academics or the politicians and lobbyists. They met people they could relate to.

AT the start the views of the young woman Beau-Dean. not sure if I am even spelling her name, we so old school racist. I was shocked that someone so young had those views I had thought that over the years some of the younger generations had a chance to see things in different eyes to their parents and grandparents.

I liked that it was a journey for the Aboriginal people in the show as well, they learnt something too. We live in White society yet we don’t get them. We laugh at them, we get outraged at their views. We know some and like them and get on really well with them. But to see those Aboriginal participates speaking after was wonderful. That was true reconciliation.

I would have liked in the final rundown on Insight to find out if any of them had kept in touch. If any of the White people had reached out to their own local Aboriginal Communities, just changed something like say “Hi” to an Aboriginal mum at school, or talk to some one. If they Joined a Reconciliation group.

For those six it was a big step for them to agree to participate and their words will change more opinions in the country than ours. Because they can be vocal and say they know the stereotypes are people. That there are problems but the people themselves are trying to fix it themselves. That we do things without government funding to help our own.

Maybe we need this experiment ran again, maybe just once a year. Next time they could look at the Torres Strait Islander people and see and hear what they go through.

But to jump to something else. I was amazed at a comment by Stan Grant that he felt more Australian when he was overseas than when he is here. I totally agree with that. When we go overseas after you get over the “Oh there are black people in Australia” people want to know our story our history and take care of us. We can sit down with backpackers from around the world including Australia and sing “Waltzing Matilda”.  But back to Stan’s words doesn’t it resonate with hour our diggers were treated? Equal over seas, different back home.  Same red blood running on foreign ground from a gunshot as is running down the drains of the city streets when you get bashed.

So First Contact a must! I think every school in Australia should watch it.


White Ribbon day or Gold Medal

One woman dies a week in Australia due to domestic violence. Where to we start to stop this. Brave women get up and leave, but the average is they try about 7 times before they make the break.

Then they can get stalked and harassed for months or years afterwards. Courts allow abusive men to see the children, children that these men have traumatised with their actions.

Women who survive domestic violence deserve more than a white ribbon they deserve a gold medal. they have been to hell and back.

But lets not forget that domestic violence can at times be perpetrated by a woman against her own children. This is often the outcome of undiagnosed mental health issues but it does happen.

But mostly its the children the innocent who suffer. They suffer watching their mum being beaten some get beaten themselves. Some get old enough to try to stand up to the offender and protect their mums and sisters and they then suffer from the moral stance.

Then we breed a new lot of men who answer problems with violence. We have to stop it. If you hear yelling from a house down the road, call the police. If you see something happening step in, if its safe to do so. Otherwise call the police.

We need to push the government to have assistance for the families who are escaping we need to have shorter waiting lists for safe housing and we need to make the governments take care of our kids by having counselling, courses and resources for the families.

I know of a church group who put together little packs for women who are in this situation, it doesn’t contain much; toiletries, washing liquid and powder, powered milk, rice & pasta, a couple of tins of food and salt & pepper. just some things to help someone starting out the staples for about a week. It is a small gesture but it means a lot to someone who is starting off again with nothing. Been there done that. Had that help years ago and try to pay back or pay forward to help those who are going through something that no one prepares you for. You never expect the one you trust to turn on you.

But again White Ribbon to remember. Gold Medal to the survivors


Black men are allowed to be abusive? It’s our way?

So, I have had a run in with a male who verbally abused me not once but twice and in this attack he also was rude to a young lady  who was in her teens and came to my defence. He fairly forcefully pushed off another female who tried to take him away to calm him down.

Now comes the fun part. When a couple of days later to talk about it and air my grievance about the matter he tried to justify his actions with I (being me) was hot and bothered and I should not have been doing some of the work I was doing. Okay that seems fine. I told him I was hurt, humiliated upset and bewildered by his actions because he is not that kind of guy. He is the kind that I like, talk to and joke with.

He said he was sorry but that he cares, and he was angry that I wasn’t doing what I should have been doing. I said you yelled and carried on, he corrected me he didn’t yell, he raised his voice. But, and here is where it gets good! “But that’s the way we are, you know what us Murri men are like that’s how we show we care”. Really! There is a word for that. I was stopped from saying what that word was.

The overall point is that it is acceptable for a black man to yell and swear at a black woman in public. Or at least that is the opinion that I got from the whole exercise. I had to accept the apology and understand that THAT kind of behaviour is normal. We Aboriginal women have so much to contend with and to put up with especially from our own. We have to take care of family and friends we have to compete in the white man’s world. We are trying so hard to change the world we try to raise our kids with respect a lot of us do it without a male. We do this just so that kids can witness incidents like I suffered. The man in question is not my relation, not that, that makes it any better it actually makes it worse.

I never thought I would come to the point of using the term “Lateral Violence” But that’s what it is. and it’s just shrugged off as that’s the way we are. I would not accept this behaviour from my son, I would be mortified if I ever found out he did something like that.

My idea of a Murri man and our ways, is what my grandfather was…Proud, hardworking, takes care of his family. But then I guess what would I know, I’m just a Murri woman!!!!!!


I find you aggressive

Have you noticed lately that the term aggressive is becoming more popular when talking about Aboriginal women. We are becoming a threat so the easy way to deal with it is to put us down.

In the 80’s & 90’s if a white woman was going ahead in life and becoming a manager or what ever, she was a ball breaker, a dyke a man hater, she was all kinds of this and that accept a hard-working woman.

A man does something he is assertive a woman does the same thing and she is breaking new ground, if your lucky other wise you are aggressive and an angry woman.

But back to us. I was called aggressive the other day by another Aboriginal male. Did I worry? no. Why? because any Aboriginal female who disagrees with him he says is aggressive or angry. But he doesn’t use the same terminology with a White female. Go figure!

Well I did figure it out. Rosie Kunoth Monks was called a hero by some when she said “I am not a problem” But to others she was an angry black woman.  G 20 things happening all around me and again I hear it. Men get up and speak Women speak and let’s be honest quite often we speak better. They were dubbed as angry women with a chip on their shoulder. Now some of these speakers were eloquent young women, who were still grass-roots and maybe they are a threat to the old regime but why put them down?

Are we so jealous that we can’t bear to think that an Aboriginal woman can be articulate and courageous? That our men are scared that they didn’t think of those one liners or that speech? Have they forgotten that we fought the battle too. The fight for rights was not just men. They had us women there with them not just cooking the food we were standing there beside them We had to often let our men speak because white society doesn’t hold women in high esteem like we did traditionally. So we had to play their game. But did it go to the heads of our men? Do they think they are higher than us? do they think all we can do is pop out babies, cook and clean, supply them with money for them to big note themselves and speak for us?

Hell no. We need to move on we need to work together so next time an Aboriginal man calls you angry or aggressive tell him he ain’t seen nothing yet.  I want to tell them to wait until I rip out their spine through their mouth then tell me I am angry.

I have had one person to my face say that she loves that I am an angry black woman. I said please don’t use that term I am passionate. I know you mean the fire in the belly I will fight for my family and have and fight for my people. But the term is being used in the wrong way as an insult.

Once an angry young woman or man often meant they had the fire in their belly they were going to take on the world and make it a better place.

The power of words that now we insult. as I said its used to many times to describe our women who won’t put up with the male dominated bullshit. I love ready some of the wonderful works of women who stand up for themselves, women and their mob. and I hate that these same women are then branded aggressive.

 


How to cope with a STD

STD, well it’s usually a sexually transmitted disease. I used to look at it as also being a Sexually transmitted debt. You buy things together and you are left with no car but a lot of car repayments. Or worse the house being sold out from under your feet.

But now I look at it as Sexually Transmitted Damage. Yep you know what I am talking about. I have seen it just recently My beautiful dear one, has a new boyfriend. He came for us to give the once over. But he was passive aggressive and chucked a couple of hissy fits that a 4-year-old would be proud of.

Poor fulla had to have pain killers but walks out of the hospital, then demands she take him to another hospital. She has just bought a car with him and he is all up in her grill! (yep I went there). Wanting to go off, to see a mate to get some smokes. He has no license, he lost it, new car insurance hasn’t kicked in yet, and my dear one is the only one on the insurance.

He jumped a cab at my place or had some kind of money that no one knew about to get here.

But what I want to do is to pass on some skills.

1. Listen to that little voice inside your head if it says he’s no good. Well then he is no good.

2. DV isn’t just hitting it can be simple controlling mechanisms that give the person the power. They slowly whittle away at the real you leaving you with low self-esteem and a shattered life.

3. If he rings a lot through the day, maybe he is checking on you, not healthy behaviour.  When hugging you, he smells you, again not good. There is a fine line between cute and future psychotic.

4. If he gets sulky when he doesn’t get his way, he needs a dummy, or his mummy not you.

5.He answers the phones, checks the mail first…look out.

6. Automatically commenting on your male friends and making comments about you liking them or you are sleeping with them is damaging.

6. He rules the roost saying that he owns half that car. You take an axe to the car and say which side yours?

We are taught at a young age to respect we are still trying to break out of the male domination of everything. But until then we have under trained our daughters, sisters and nieces on how to handle this. Because we are told we have to be nice. We have to have a man, a husband.  We also need to teach our boys. We need to teach them respect women, even if it’s a woman who might not respect herself. We need to make sure our sons realise she could be going through something bad and is self harming, self damaging. We need our men to stand up for their daughters. We need to not allow this behaviour. Remember it’s not just punching that is Domestic Violence. Self serving and controlling a person, demeaning comments that’s all Violence. Words leave scars, and actions of controllers leave huge wounds that can take years to deal with.

When My son was watching some of what was happening he was ready to take the guy and beat the crap out of him and beat some respect into him. But what can you do when you are told this is the love of my life. Looking for approval, that she didn’t get. She ended up with a plateful of I need to have a break and re think this relationship. The guy was all gamin sorry, sorry for disrespecting me and his actions. He should have included my dear one in his sorry and to be genuine

You mess with the girls in my family and I will hunt you down and I will take you out, like the dog you are.

I don’t condone violence and have taken a bit of poetic licence in describing what we would have done to the fulla.


Is the knife in the back sharp enough?

Do you ever wonder why people back stab and run you down? I am not innocent of this I have rundown ex boyfriends the odd boss and person but then they also know what I think. I tell outright or just plain let body language do its thing. I mean I am not rude, I can work with someone I don’t like I show common courtesy and politeness.

What I am talking about is that person maybe one of your friends maybe in your team, workplace or class who behind everyone’s back has something to say and will tell others what you said but put their slant on it. You could say something like I don’t like Billy Bears pants, next thing you know you get accused of running them down and putting shit on all that they wear. You might say some one is wearing something that you would never wear to work and low and behold you are calling that person a slut. These are things that I have seen at my work and have had happen to me. I must admit I have had far worse done to me in the past but this latest outbreak is just too much.

untitled

It has cost me two friends who have left work from this backstabbing in the work environment and the feeling of being unappreciated for the work you do. In my team which is very small, well I know that I will be the pariah, because when they start throwing shit I don’t I just can’t be bothered. life is too short to worry about someone else’s bullshit But this time I might just bite back at the bitch big time. I am sick and tired of it and I have only returned to work a couple of months ago. One person going around and around and being the relatively new person on the block who only works some hours of course I am an easy target.

I asked  friend who I have worked with for the past four years if I am hard to work with and she said no, she said to some I can take a bit of getting used too as I am “out there”  compared to others. I asked some other old timers, as that is what we seem to be and they said the same thing, I don’t think inside the box, I can be hard to understand but I get the job done and its usually a damn good job. We put the problems down to the new management and the uncertainty of the environment we work in.

You know I just can’t win, I am either in trouble for not being a team player, insulting people, being to abrupt and rude. to forceful. Yet other times I am wrong for doing too much not standing my ground blah blah.

I wish they would all leave me alone to do my job, because I am good at what I do.