When the darkness comes

The feeling of loss, hopelessness and that nothing will ever be right creeps in every now and then. The voice in your head says buck up you will get through this shit. But part of you says no I won’t. Suicide isn’t the escape of cowards it takes a lot of thought to even process the idea and to think there is nothing better.

Some feel that the world or their families will be better off with out them. Some think they have reached the pinnacle of life and its down hill from here. Then people wonder why? She had the whole of her life ahead of her. He was doing so well, this just came out of no where.

Sometimes talking to someone helps. Some times it doesn’t it makes it worse. How do you get through the darkness?

I have faced the darkness and beat it a couple of times and sometimes I failed. But the attempt didn’t work. I can only after that pick myself up and say God has put me here for a reason, I have to work it out. He needs me to do a job. But what?

They tell me suicidal thoughts are common with brain tumours I can understand. Last year the amount of times I wanted to die to save myself from the pain I was going through. I also at times thought it would be best for my kids. That way they were not having to deal with the calls to come up and say good-bye to your mum. But I got through that.

So why does the darkness sometimes just come out of nowhere and want me to give into to the lure of peace and calm of death? If I knew the answer to that well I would be able to save a lot of people. I wouldn’t get rich off it I would just share it and make sure people understood.

Understanding is the key. How does one person fall at something so minor and yet another keep soldiering on through so much hurt anguish and heartbreak, with never a thought of opting out.

My children are my key. I want to watch them all grow up and be the best they can be. I want to watch them grow and blossom I also am selfish enough to admit I want grannies to play with.

But yet sometimes this isn’t enough. the Blackness creeps in and I have to fight it or give in. I am blessed with a group of good family and friends who help and stand by me. But how do you tell someone over a coffee “Pass the sugar and oh by the by I tried to top myself last night. Thank you” It just doesn’t work. So you need key people to talk to who won’t over react who wont stress or freak out.

Counselling is a good thing. I have a wonderful counsellor who is there and sees the problem and believes in setting up plans and strategies that my children are involved in. Why? Because they need to understand what’s happening and they need back up and help because they have already been through so much with a sick mother they need support.

So Why am I sharing this, it’s a reminder we all need help every now and then. We all can reach the point of no return, but there is a return. Don’t be ashamed of asking for help. Don’t worry about any body who might view this as a weakness. Those who see mental health as gamin and dare I say it “All in your head” are living in denial. They aren’t looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses, they are myopic. They don’t want to see or understand. Its bigotry, and this holds a lot of people back from seeking help.

So if the darkness comes after you, find some one safe or a couple of people. you can tell each person a different part of the puzzle if that makes you feel better and makes you feel like you are not overloading one person.

But please talk about it. Don’t hide away, don’t dig your own grave.

About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at aboriginalcancer.com View all posts by proudblacksista

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