Monthly Archives: December 2014

Happy New Year

Before we bid adieu to 2014 I thought I would reflect and give thanks for my blessings.

I would not have made it through the  year without the love and support of so many people. Many of my friends gave financially and gave food. They gave love and support through medical drama after medical drama, after medical drama.

So a big thank you to God for seeing me through. Thank you to my Children who have had it hard for a couple of years, it’s got to suck to know your mum is dying. Not to mention the times I have and the times that Doctors thought I wouldn’t pull through. To my family (that I talk to) who have been there and helped in so many ways.

Let me thank the wonderful people in my life, Anne, who wouldn’t allow me to curl up and die, when sometimes that’s how I felt, and to Kerry, who helped me just because she is that kind of loving person, and with that the rest of the family. Jenny who is my rock and her family. Deb, who always kept me grounded and didn’t beat around the bush. Cassandra, who made me laugh so much it hurt but was there. Andrea, who is so beautiful inside and out. Helena and her entire crew who gave financial, love and encouragement. Lesley who is just Lesley, What more can I say.

John who the only time I have ever heard that man lose his cool was over me. Tricia who I didn’t really get to know but she was there with my sisterhood. Angie who came new to the sisterhood and is now a firm Tidda. Charlene and Lucy, they come as a package deal but they have been wonderful with support and care. Vera who always makes me feel happy.  Lesa who was just so wonderful and listened and helped, especially with locks. Kate, who among other things gave me one of the best things while I was sick, a letter from her children to me, hoping I would get well. Little Lucy who reminds me that the world is a good place. Susan Who is warped like me and offers so much love. Sandra, who is the Lion King. Rosalie, who has been a part of my life for so many years. Irene, who I just clicked with and love her to hell and back and so do the kids. She’s a cheeky one, but you gotta love that too.

I have to thank Angela for clothes she donated to help me sell at a suitcase sale. Tarsh who is just as crazy as me and gave me a ham, to help with our Christmas.

I also have to give an extra special shout out to my care co-ordinator Helen PJ, who helped me get to appointments, made sure all the doctors talked to each other and pulled me through so much and put me into hospital so many times.

There are others who would have helped those out so that they could help me and my family out. I thank all the behind the scenes people. That includes the doctors the nurses the paramedics the orderlies, tea ladies dinner and lunch and breakfast ladies at the hospital. The social workers, the family friends the families of my children’s friends who allowed them to spend time at their homes so they could have some normality.

I hope everyone has a great new year. May 2015 be the year you reach your goals in life and that happiness finds you.

Thank you


Identity

Identity is making its rounds again. It always happens around summer. Lots of parties and people always asking about just how Aboriginal you are and then if that’s not enough, its then followed on by Australia Day. Where Identity comes out again.

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Steven Oliver summed it up in a proper deadly way, but for some unknown reason I can’t get the link to work to show you (the usual excuse…Whitefulla majic)

I hope the links work.

But as an Aboriginal woman I get asked things stupid things. Over the years I have been told but your half white. My response is which half of me are you going to take?  You speak to well, you went to a good school, you have a good job, you’re not really one of those proper Aborigines!

Well let me tell you that Identity doesn’t come with the colour of your skin, it comes from what is within. My mother taught me the Rainbow serpent represents all of us, our different colours. I grew up being a yellow fellow, or yella fella.

I had to justify to ignorant people as to why I am a proud Aboriginal woman, a Wakka Wakka . I am also a very proud Irish woman. (The Irish are the Blacks of Europe, after all.) Do I see this as a contradiction? No, again, my mother taught me love sees no colour. I am proud and strong in my Identity, I can speak language, I can find bush tucker I can hunt and yes I have a White education, that is just as important as the stories told to me of the Dreamtime. The stories told of how my family was split up, and how members found each other again. I am a very proud Aboriginal woman and my skin colour isn’t an issue.

My accent becomes an issue and my education. But that just shows the ignorance of those who question Aboriginality. I have known and respected some incredibly wonderful Aboriginal people who are of lighter shade than me. But their Identity is strong, and they don’t question where they come from. They know deep down to their very souls what they are. I have also come across people with dark skin who deny their identity, we call them coconuts, some call the Oreo’s. Black on the outside but white in the middle.

Just because we live in an urban environment doesn’t make us any less Aboriginal. We have our own thriving urban Indigenous culture that helps to keep alive the stories of our ancestors.

So anyone with Identity issues, no matter what you are, Maori, Native American, Aboriginal, Torres Strait Islander, South Sea Islander. BE STRONG. Your identity is within you, it’s not something that can be forced on you, or explained to those who do not want to hear. YOU ARE YOU.

Thank you

 

 

 


Tis the season to be lucky!

I am driving home just a little bit over the speed limit. Okay Yep I was speeding it is a great stretch of road, along the bush, a nice back road and I was doing 100km in an 80 zone. My Rosary Beads go flying off my rear view mirror. I caught it, very proud of that achievement.

I tried to hang them back up again and I swerved onto the other lane, luckily no traffic coming my way. BUT…Next thing I know…blue lights flash behind me. Oh shit. I was sure I was done for.

I pull over the officers get out of their car, one walks around my car the other comes to me asks me my name. Asks if I have had any alcohol or drugs, and to see my driver’s licence.  So while he is asking my things like what’s your date of birth and who owns the car, etc.

Then he asks me Why I swerved, was their anything or impediment in my way. So, of course me, being me, I can’t keep my big mouth shut. I say “I was speeding and my Rosary Beads came flying off and I was trying to put them back on”.  The voice inside my head says you numbnut, why are you saying that. I had visions of being booked, taken to the lock up.

He looks inside my car, Oh shit he’s going to check for drugs I don’t have any, but I thought that’s what’s going to happen they are going to plant something on me. Find something wrong with the car. Anything to take me away.

He reaches down to my Rosary Beads on the seat and double wraps them around my toll tag, and says “there that should hold them”.  He stepped back and said “Merry Christmas”. He then walked back to his car. The other officer looked in askance, but the other one, just got back into the car, so he had to go too.

So I was lucky. Lucky I didn’t cause an accident and lucky that I had a nice officer.

Thank You


Job Seeking

How do you start to look for a job when you are middle aged with a brain tumour? This is what I am facing now. I believe I have too much to give to sit back on a pension. I have too much life in me.

But the reality of life is that in my current role I cannot perform the duties required and there is no place for me. They are being good about it. I would love to give praise to one person but I can’t. She is going beyond the extra mile to help.

So what does one do? Well I am not ready to go on the scrap heap I am ready for a new start in a new environment and share all the learning I have. I have done courses to help women through Domestic and family violence.  I have done a great course on women’s sexual health. I am looking for somewhere I can share these things and more. I have knowledge on how to teach younger ones on how to budget, how to prepare good cheap healthy meals. I have so much to share with the world.

I want to share with the young ones that they need to learn stay in school get that training or university course so they can be builders, doctors’ teachers. I want them to realise their full potential.

I want to see to the mental health of our mob, and to not see us slip through the cracks. I want us to be educated to learn that it’s not shame, to talk about your feelings and sometimes you need to reach out and get someone else to help you carry the load.

There are a lot of I want’s there. But I don’t believe I survived everything I have been through just to sit back at home and struggle by on the pension. I want, nay need to be able to do something to help my people.

That has been my driving force for many years to get out there and help us. Help those who need it. Help those that are lost. Help those who have Identity issues and let them learn where they belong.

But all this depends on me being able to get a job and fingers crossed I will get a job.

Thank you


The Tragedy of Cairns

We are all horrified at the incident in Cairns. People say this doesn’t happen in Cairns. Our mobs are crying and saying we don’t do this. What happened.

It was a family that was well-known and respected in their streets. reading Facebook people are posting their shock and some saying that in the last few weeks things seemed to have changed. The kids out later than they are allowed to a little bub on the veranda in the early hours of the morning.

So why didn’t someone step in and help. Why didn’t someone pick up on the signs and talk to the family.

Now we have a mum alive in what appears to be a murder suicide. She is going through hell. She must have been a bad place before hand. She must have been on the brink of that black hole. One little thing pushed her into the spiral descent into the abyss.

I pray for all those innocent children I also pray for that mum. When she realises what she has done and that she survived it. She is going to go further into that hell.

She needs our prayers and understanding, because she must have been in need of help and was let down in  not getting the help that was needed.

Lets not judge her harshly, lets look at the fact of a mum pushed too far and had no help and that she will be living with that for the rest of her life.

Lets hope families rally around member who are going through a hard time lets hope that their will be more understanding for mental illness, and especially lets hope their will be more mental health services available.

May God bless the innocent children and the angels guide them to his open arms.

May God bless and forgive the mother. and I pray she can overcome this.

Mental health is a serious issue and too often it comes to the attention of all of us via news reports. May God bless those and whisper in the ears of the decision makers to help change this.

Thank you


Survivor Guilt

I am not Wonder Woman, I am not an inspiration, I am not a hero, I am not a survivor. I am me. Just the woman who wouldn’t die.

I have been told I have survivor guilt, where I feel guilty that I am alive when others have passed on from Brain Tumours or other cancers.

I will accept I am a miracle because with out the intervention of God or what ever higher power there is I wouldn’t be alive. The same with not being able to walk again, well I proved them wrong. I am walking. Sure it was hard yes it was painful but no way in hell was I not going to be able to walk.

There are so many other people out there fighting their own battles. People who are strong and just continue on. They are Heroes, inspirations and people to admire and look up to.

I try my best I struggle with the pain and with my inner demons. I am determined that Cancer is not going to take me yet. I accept that I will die from it. But I am at peace with that. I have lived my life. I just want to stick around long enough for my kids to be grown up and to hold a grandchild.

I don’t like being put into a basket of you can’t do this you can’t do that. You need to sit back and do nothing! Well that ain’t going to happen unless I win lotto then I will sit back with all my friends and family with me on an Island I will own.

But until then, I will just keep on keeping on. I am a phoenix. I arose from the ashes so many times last year and I will keep going. There is a purpose behind it and I have to find out what that purpose or reason is. I have to find my true niche in life so that I can help others to overcome and combat illness in what ever shape or form it comes in.

Thank you


A Real Pain In The…

I worry about people who suffer pain and can’t get any relief. It’s amazing how the human body works. I can heal itself, it can attack itself.

But pain, well that’s the hardest part. I live with a constant headache, it’s a tight band headache I have had it for years its just a little bonus of having a brain tumour.

When al my bones started to fracture and break well hell  that was shocking pain. I wanted to die, but the will to live was too strong. So I dragged myself out of the hospital bed and beat the odds of dying and then of not being able to walk. But this comes at a price I have constant pain in my hips and back some times it’s not to bad. Other times its horrid and I have to reach for the pain killers.

I hate it when the pain is so unbearable that I have to take a lot of pain killers to numb it. Luckily for me I have not become addicted to these drugs and try to use them as little as possible.

But I will always be on some form of painkiller for the rest of my life, as there is nothing that can be done.

But this pain is nothing to the pain I feel sometimes when I fall into the black hole of dismay. You know what I mean when kids and work and life is just ratty. I then start to wonder why I was spared and so many, especially kids die from brain tumours and here I am still struggling along.

I feel like a cheat, that I have taken someone’s place, someone else deserved to live and that I shouldn’t be here. I think why did I go through so much pain and how could I put my kids through so much crap. It’s really not fair on them.

So these things sometimes help to pull me further into that deep hole. I have in the past tried to commit suicide because it was all too much for me and I thought it better to go this way than what we were going through. But then something or someone stopped it stepped in and did something. A guardian Angel if you will. I know they watch over me and the spirits of my forbearer’s.

I will triumph one day and get over all of this I will one day return to some sort of normality, but not today. I hope there is a cure out there as I want to see grandkids. I want to watch my kids grow up.

Yep I want it all. But mostly I want help with the pain, the pain that just won’t go away.

Thank you


Suit Case Sale

Well in an attempt to help raise money for Christmas, and can I say I have been blessed someone at work gave me a little something that was put straight in the present department. I won tickets to the movies at the break up party. Two wonderful women donated some things to my sale.

So off I toddle down to the local sale and of course the rain has affected it and we all had to be inside. Now I have been to these sales in the open on a Sunny day and they are great so that is why I decided to do it.

Alas for the weather it kept people away. I was down hearted about the lack of sales I sold some dresses to a great person I know. But it was slow people looked at my stuff and kind of meh. I had a lot of comments on how unusual it was and interesting but just not my thing. Other sellers suggested I should do the city because my jewellery would go really well there.

It wasn’t all bad, I chatted to a lot of nice people, picked up a lot of tips on what to do and how to do it and where to sell. My girls bought something’s from other vendors and that was okay, they gave us a discount, and I did the same with them. The comic dude was great he bought all of them and we chatted and then he gave me some collectables stickers for the girls, of their favourite marvel characters. I learnt a bit about weaving and some spinning.

I did make a profit which was good. Some sellers didn’t sell anything, but it was hard as a few of us said when the criteria is handmade and second-hand, vintage. Some people had some wonderful hand-made stuff others had things that you buy in the stalls in the middle of the shopping centres. That goes hard when people are selling what sticks to the criteria. I felt bad for some sellers as they sold nothing some didn’t cover the cost of the event. But I was blessed with my profit. I wasn’t a huge amount, but at least the day wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Thank you


Missing in Action

I have spent a couple of days of work with a major problem, one of the clots in my leg has gone missing. After extensive tests, scans x-rays, they can’t find the little bugger. I have to wait and see what happens. We can only hope it doesn’t work its way to my lungs like the last one did last year that left me with a pulmonary embolism. It’s a wait and see. I have been told don’t worry too much as I am on warfarin, remember my friend warfarin, the rat killer. They say that being on that will stop any major problems.

Okay so what next? Well I have to wait it out and then go back again in about a month for them to look for it. This sucks for two reasons; I don’t know what could happen and the other is that I have just taken up smoking again. It’s a stress thing, three weeks now I have been smoking. The doctor said well that won’t make much difference and if I am stress smoking who is he to tell me to stop, after all I have a brain  tumour, have been to hell and back, (remind me to actually write about the experience of dying and coming back, all ten times). been told I wouldn’t be able to walk after both hips fractured and the spine issue.  He told me that it’s amazing I have been through all of this and now I take up smoking.

But back to the missing clot. How do you lose a blood clot? it was there two months ago and now its gone. They know it hasn’t dissolved as it was too big. So where is it hiding?

The original clot in my leg was overlooked because they kept telling me it was water retention and a reaction to the Chemo and completely missed it until some of it broke off and went to my lungs.

I wonder if when I did one of those detox things in the socks it came out! oh dear, what ever am I to do? I guess I will just keep going and hope when I go back next month they can find the little bugger.

 


When a helping hand reaches out from the blue

I was talking to a friend the other day we were discussing being there and helping each other and helping others. We talked about how sometimes you are there you do so much and get nothing in return.

She said to me sometimes that kindness is repaid in unlooked for places. Well she was right. I am struggling at work being everything for everybody and never getting it right. I struggle with my family and I have the constant background issue of the brain tumour.

The next day two wonderful people I work with offered some stuff form my suitcase sale. One of my dear friends offed a monetary donation to help cover my bills to help give my kids a Christmas this year as opposed to the ratty Christmas they had last year.

It’s not that they look for a lot or expensive presents, last year I was so sick I couldn’t have the tree up or the decorations, my immunity was so low and my skin reacted to almost everything, that there was not decking the halls!

So unlooked for kindness is a beautiful thing I was so emotional and couldn’t believe my luck to have this coming my way. I have so many people who I have to thank who have helped me last year and this years. Friends, real friends from work last year and this year donating food to us. Financial donations to help with the constant medical bills. People holding fundraising events to help.

We would not have been able to keep our heads above water without the love and help of these people. I will name them all personally when I get their permission.

But the beauty and joy of humanity in its finest is when someone reaches out. They help close to home not in a far distant land. So many families need help, housing, food and accommodation. While so much food is wasted accommodation is vacant because it is out of the financial reach of many. Those little things that help. Little things to show that we are part of this one big family.

I am blessed to have had those hands reach out when I was having a bad week it made me emotional, it made me a bit shame to admit how bad things are with my medical needs. But most of all it made me feel loved and human.

Thank you