A Real Pain In The…

I worry about people who suffer pain and can’t get any relief. It’s amazing how the human body works. I can heal itself, it can attack itself.

But pain, well that’s the hardest part. I live with a constant headache, it’s a tight band headache I have had it for years its just a little bonus of having a brain tumour.

When al my bones started to fracture and break well hell  that was shocking pain. I wanted to die, but the will to live was too strong. So I dragged myself out of the hospital bed and beat the odds of dying and then of not being able to walk. But this comes at a price I have constant pain in my hips and back some times it’s not to bad. Other times its horrid and I have to reach for the pain killers.

I hate it when the pain is so unbearable that I have to take a lot of pain killers to numb it. Luckily for me I have not become addicted to these drugs and try to use them as little as possible.

But I will always be on some form of painkiller for the rest of my life, as there is nothing that can be done.

But this pain is nothing to the pain I feel sometimes when I fall into the black hole of dismay. You know what I mean when kids and work and life is just ratty. I then start to wonder why I was spared and so many, especially kids die from brain tumours and here I am still struggling along.

I feel like a cheat, that I have taken someone’s place, someone else deserved to live and that I shouldn’t be here. I think why did I go through so much pain and how could I put my kids through so much crap. It’s really not fair on them.

So these things sometimes help to pull me further into that deep hole. I have in the past tried to commit suicide because it was all too much for me and I thought it better to go this way than what we were going through. But then something or someone stopped it stepped in and did something. A guardian Angel if you will. I know they watch over me and the spirits of my forbearer’s.

I will triumph one day and get over all of this I will one day return to some sort of normality, but not today. I hope there is a cure out there as I want to see grandkids. I want to watch my kids grow up.

Yep I want it all. But mostly I want help with the pain, the pain that just won’t go away.

Thank you

Advertisements

About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at aboriginalcancer.com View all posts by proudblacksista

2 responses to “A Real Pain In The…

  • Angie Jones-Field

    My pain is not generally physical, but I struggle to keep getting up every day. I hope 2015 is a magic year for so many of my friends who are facing difficult times, hardships. But you have been saved for a reason, and you just keep on sprinklin round what you got woman, I need you, your kids need you, your friends need you. Big love sis xxx

    • proudblacksista

      Don’t belittle your pain, it’s real and the struggle you face everyday is a tough one. Not everyone comes out the other end but all that do are scathed by it. You just have to keep your head up high and fight like hell. You are one incredibly strong woman

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: