I worry about people who suffer pain and can’t get any relief. It’s amazing how the human body works. I can heal itself, it can attack itself.
But pain, well that’s the hardest part. I live with a constant headache, it’s a tight band headache I have had it for years its just a little bonus of having a brain tumour.
When al my bones started to fracture and break well hell that was shocking pain. I wanted to die, but the will to live was too strong. So I dragged myself out of the hospital bed and beat the odds of dying and then of not being able to walk. But this comes at a price I have constant pain in my hips and back some times it’s not to bad. Other times its horrid and I have to reach for the pain killers.
I hate it when the pain is so unbearable that I have to take a lot of pain killers to numb it. Luckily for me I have not become addicted to these drugs and try to use them as little as possible.
But I will always be on some form of painkiller for the rest of my life, as there is nothing that can be done.
But this pain is nothing to the pain I feel sometimes when I fall into the black hole of dismay. You know what I mean when kids and work and life is just ratty. I then start to wonder why I was spared and so many, especially kids die from brain tumours and here I am still struggling along.
I feel like a cheat, that I have taken someone’s place, someone else deserved to live and that I shouldn’t be here. I think why did I go through so much pain and how could I put my kids through so much crap. It’s really not fair on them.
So these things sometimes help to pull me further into that deep hole. I have in the past tried to commit suicide because it was all too much for me and I thought it better to go this way than what we were going through. But then something or someone stopped it stepped in and did something. A guardian Angel if you will. I know they watch over me and the spirits of my forbearer’s.
I will triumph one day and get over all of this I will one day return to some sort of normality, but not today. I hope there is a cure out there as I want to see grandkids. I want to watch my kids grow up.
Yep I want it all. But mostly I want help with the pain, the pain that just won’t go away.