I attended the Cancer Network forum. I spoke of my life and it brought back some horrible memories.
The memories of how sick I was going through treatment, trying to work, take care of my kids and just survive. doing it again and again, getting worse each time and be able to do less and less for my children
The horror of the pulmonary embolism. Dying so many times and being revived. Being so scared as to who was going to take care of my younger Children. How were they going to survive. I wasn’t worried about dying. I figured if I die I die. I have no regrets that really bother me. I have tried to make amends of any wrong doings, but that was always part of my life anyway. Try to keep the scales balanced.
My kids went through so much I was in and out of hospital, I wasn’t expected to live. But God wasn’t ready for me to leave this mortal coil. How do you comfort children who are told to come as their mum won’t see the night through? How do you take that away and erase it from their minds. The turmoil the fright. They lived through it and did so a couple of times.
They didn’t have a mother they had a harridan in their midst. A woman out of control who would yell and scream. Who couldn’t control her moods, because of all the drugs. The living in constant pain didn’t help. I was incapable of doing many things. My kids had to help get in and out of bed, help me shower, something that no child should have to do.
We lived thanks to donations of food and money, because the medical bills were astronomical and the medications cost a fortune. So they had to miss out on things because mum couldn’t afford it.
I have been in the situation where I was told I would never walk again, this was more frightening than facing death. But what was worse was my eye sight was going I had cataracts caused by the meds and they were getting worse at an expediential rate. So being blind and wheelchair bound was not something I was going to do. I worked hard damn hard to walk again. The sight I had to wait for surgery. But while this was happening, the social worker from the hospital called in Child services. They talked about how this is not a good environment for kids. Luckily my care coordinator helped to intervene. I had help come into the house to help clean and my son came home for good. He had been in and out especially when I was really ill. He was there to pick me up from the floor many a time.
I admit that I had horrible days, days of pain and depression. I tried to kill myself a couple of times, thoughtless really considering how worried I was for my children’s welfare. But constant major pain makes you do strange things, you just want relief, you just want it all to end.
I was lucky that my attempts failed as I needed to be strong for my kids. It’s hard for them. Mum was indestructible, mum was a mover, mum was always there. This was hard for them to face and I regret so much of the anguish that I put them through.
I slowly got better, I am not in a wheel chair, I graduated to a walker, then a walking stick and now use nothing, except on a bad day.
I will always live my life in constant pain, but there are more important things for me to focus on, that is my kids. For two years I was to all intents an absent mum. I wasn’t really there for them and couldn’t stand by them or be a shoulder for them.
I am trying to make it up to my kids, making sure we do family activities, The younger 3 are still teenagers and at home the eldest lives her own life and she was out of the loop in so many ways, while I was sick that that, had an effect on her. Trying to be the big sister and to be prepared to raise her siblings. It was quite a wake up for her.
But I am still here, I struggle but I will get better I am unemployed but will get another job, I am studying and enjoying it. But mainly I am trying to repair the damage that was done to my children when I was sick.