Today was the day. I had a tooth removed and then the bone island was dealt with. I am always amazed at the way modern medicine can and can’t work. I have a local and they more or less went drilling for oil or something. The sample then taken and it’s been sent off. So fingers crossed it’s not bad news. I figure that having a brain tumour is enough and that I have done my bit for cancer.
Since we found out the house has been stranger than usual, I get crappy and worried. This of course leads to me being a bitch. My Children all get worried and have to deal with it in their own way, which in turns out makes them all ratty and shitty. Luckily one lives away from home. But the three in the house, two in university one still in high school, were honestly totally killable.
They were always fighting and fussing this makes me worse and then them worse. The whole vicious circle. It’s hard for family members to deal with watching someone go through the suffering and pain of cancer. Family have to stand by and be unable to take away the cancer or the pain. They feel hopeless and helpless.
I worry about my kids watching their mum go through this. I know that it has to have some effect on them. But how do you convince teenagers that they need counselling or help? How do you differentiate between normal teenager obnoxious behaviour and that of a teen dealing with these problems at home?
I know with my kids we have tried to keep everything as normal as possible. I Continued to let them do their sports, choir etc. Although there were times when I couldn’t let them do some things, because of the cost (I still can’t work out why there is no financial help for families?) or I was too ill to take them somewhere and we couldn’t get some one to do the fill in.
Things might have been easier if my children’s father was active in their life, but oh well! Then when my son was old enough to drive he stepped in to help with taking his sisters to their activities. But it’s still hard to be the kid with the sick mum. I know when my daughter was in High School and she was late with an assignment the teacher told her to write a letter to the Head Of Department, explaining that I was very ill and in hospital and that was why she didn’t get her assignment in on time. So daughter does that, next thing is that she is the kid with the dying mother.
She hated that and felt that it didn’t help, they (the school) didn’t let us off the bills or anything like that, it was jut constantly mentioned. Sometimes it was mentioned to her detriment, as in “I guess you can’t do this, because of your mother?”
Meanwhile the youngest, while at primary school, was helped beautifully. The school rallied around her. Parents helped to take her to places and I was constantly mentioned in prayers for the class and at the school.
When she went to high school she was branded like her sister, the kid with the dying mum. Well the mum is still alive, still considered terminal in medical terms, but I feel like a hypocrite that I am still walking and talking while others have passed on. This is also a problem for the kids, they do get comments like “I’ve seen your mum, she looks good, it must be all over”.
They don’t understand the problems and issues my kids face. They don’t live the day to day of, you could go in a second or you could go in 20 years. They don’t understand why I am still standing, but not saying I am healthy or in remission. How can I be terminal and still be the utter fool that I am?
So now the first part is over, now it’s hold your breath and wait. If the results come back good. Well we enjoy and laugh. We thank God that another bullet has been dodged. But if it’s not so good, well we know what the drill is (no pun intended). The doctors will cut further into my jaw and cut out the cancerous bone. Then we will wait again.
I will not be doing any Chemo or any other treatments again. I had my fill of them before, they made me worse almost cost me my life and didn’t change a thing. But this time will be different, I am not so naïve about cancer care anymore.
I intend now to spend the next few days resting, drinking lots of ice coffee and smoking (hell it ain’t going to kill me). Being with my kids preparing them for what could be next.