Out and about…I wish

You want to go out, you need to go out, you have things to do, places to go, people to meet. But you can’t. Taking that step outside the door can be overwhelming. What is going on?

I have reached that point a couple of times. I have been so ill or in so much pain, that I then start to worry about what happens if I am out and I get a pain attack, this then leads to an anxiety attack. I have spent so much time in hospitals and home that sometimes it’s way too much to contemplate doing something. I am set in my routine, but if I have to go somewhere different or travel further, it can lead to me stressing out and then this sometimes makes me ill that I can’t get out and about.

How did this happen? I am a bit of a home body, but I have always enjoyed going out. Loved just going somewhere with my kids, to a park or going on a bush walk. Just picking something new to do was fun and then we would do it. But all the health problems have eroded my confidence and I have lots of doubts about if I am doing the right thing. It doesn’t help when you do it with teenagers who want to do something, but show no enthusiasm when they are doing it, leaving me wondering if I did it right.

That is another realisation, teenage girls do have a huge impact on your confidence, when you are anxious already, there is nothing worse than, “Is that what you’re wearing” or “Don’t walk near me when we’re out”. This is normal teenage behaviour but, when you are suffering anxiety strangely enough anything they say, any contradiction to what you say takes on a bigger and broader impact.

I have to fight through the anxiety when it hits to get things done. I have to remind myself that, I need a job, or I have to do my studies. If I am anxious about traveling to a new suburb or driving further than I am used to I have my google maps and in my mind I break down the trip into small bite size pieces, I sing my anti anxiety song over and over again if I am going for tests, or doing something different. The song has been my nervous song since I was a kid. Whenever I felt unsure I always depended on Julie Andrews, I have confidence in me



But we all have to find our own strategies to deal with this and many of us suffer from anxiety from many different reasons. I am lucky that I can get over it and then eventually do what I have to do, okay well sometimes I have missed things because I have made myself ill with worry. But I am getting on top of it. I had no problems when I had to get up every morning and go to work, but not really having a purpose can lead to me being I guess a bit more slack. So when I am in pain, instead of fighting it, I have the luxury of being able to take pain killers and sleep. While this is helping me in one way it’s not helping in other ways. But I guess like all my demons, I will overcome. I have to as I have spent this year studying and next year I have to get a job again. I can’t sit back on the disability, I have too much to do and too many bills to pay.

One thing I think as I read through this that did help me, is that I am always willing to get in a help when it comes to my mob with cancer, I help people who need someone to be there and talk to others. This is therapeutic and lets me pass on what I have been through to others and to help them have a better journey than me.

Thank you

About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at aboriginalcancer.com View all posts by proudblacksista

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