It’s getting closer and closer to the 25 December, and what do I think about it all? I want to postpone it. I have in the last few days had a melt down. That is my stress levels have gone too high for my poor little tumour to deal with it. I have had some black outs. I am worried that I am going to ruin Christmas for my kids again. Yes again. Last year, I took a long drive and scared my kids, I took the drive as I felt a head ache coming on and thought I better get out before I do something I will regret. The regret is that when I have my little spells caused by the swelling and stress I just vague out I have no idea what is happening. I am functioning but I yell scream and throw things I have become physical with my children. This is what I am scared of at the moment. I really wish I could get the stupid thing out of my head and go back to leading a normal life. I know I know I am being a bit of a sook. But it really is not fair that in this world so many suffer from diseases that they have done nothing to get. Why are people with cancer or other chronic illness made to have to deal with being ill, paying medical bills, I know of some people who even with insurance don’t get much, or the insurance drops down paying out as the med bills go higher. But back to the point, this time of year without all the stress of being ill is bad enough. The demand of presents, being sociable, having the perfect Christmas. Who really does this?
Isn’t Christmas all about the birth of Jesus? He didn’t have lots of presents wrapped in patterned paper big meals of ham, Turkey, Goose or other goodies we look at as being Christmas fare. Shouldn’t it be about the birth of that man? Even if you are not a Christian, if you are another faith or you don’t believe, why do you get sucked into the consumerism of the year? Now that I think of it, it is rather strange that this time of year is turning into just a consumer holiday. At my local shopping centre, quite a few years ago, they removed the Nativity scene under the pressure of those who don’t believe. All I can say, is if you don’t believe that is fine don’t believe, don’t take the holiday and don’t buy presents for your friends and family. My belief in God has helped me through some of my darkest hours.
I celebrate Christmas, for me its the reminder of my childhood. A big family. putting the tree up and having the tree filled with terrible home-made decorations that my mother always kept, no matter how old we got or how embarrassed we were by them. Putting up the stable, having the three wise men roaming around the house until the 12th day. Those guys were ripped off. In our house we had turns of moving them to a new spot each day, bringing them closer to the stable and then when they finally made it. We packed up the decorations for the year. So not fair.
But I ramble, those of you who are regulars, are used to it, thank you for persevering. So what is my point? Well its about the stress that Christmas puts on us and then when you are suffering from an illness, it gets compounded and you really need to take care of yourself. My preamble at the beginning was just about how this time of year has set me off. No car at the moment, constant bills, trying to do everything you can for family and friends, while most of us, don’t take care of ourselves. This is something that I can’t do, that I have trained myself into being selfish, but as I have had the ups and downs, I have at some point put my kids first and now I am suffering from it. I feel guilty about what I have done, but I am also worried that I will end up in hospital and miss Christmas, what will this do to my kids?
It’s funny how as a parent we tend to put the kids first and our partners, but when you have a major illness you have to remember to be selfish, to put yourself first. If you can’t take care of yourself, then how can you take care of others? It’s a no brainer, but we don’t do it. We do as I have done, slip back into putting yourself last, which you can’t do. So please take care of you first.