I sit here crying, crying about my lot in life, crying about the arguments with my children. The usual stuff I guess, they don’t do enough around the house, they expect me to do everything and yet I get so little in return.
I have been mother and father to my children. I have had to do everything, by myself, struggle for the money to pay for school, shoes, clothes etc. I don’t have someone else to take the heat when they get cranky at me. I am alone in this. Yes many people know what it is like to be a single parent and have the other parent do very little for their offspring. But when you put this with a cancer it becomes unbearable at times. I have to be strong for my children. I have no shoulder to cry one, no one to help me carry the load. Yes I have good family and friends who help, but lets be honest they have problems and lives of their own.
What brought this on? Well apart from a bit of a shitty week end dealing with teenage attitudes, I read this letter from a reader.It just made me cry, so sitting here at my work, I am crying and going to share this story with you.
This woman is so brave, in fact brave doesn’t cover it she is a woman that I hope we will all send our love and hope to. I hope that you please contact me again, so that I can actually offer you some proper support and see what can be done to help you. You have my love, admiration and prayers.
I have four kids and I don’t know how to cope with them anymore. I have had breast cancer, had both breasts removed, had so much surgery and had chemo, radium and any other therapy you can think off. it has been going on for ten long years, I want a rest from it. I want to die before it gets any worse, if that is possible. My kids are not helping me at all. I have talked to counsellors they say it’s normal, they are acting out, they are not coping with the mum being sick. Well fuck that, mum isn’t coping with being sick.
I have to get up in the morning and make sure my kids get off to school and to their jobs. If I am too sick to move then my kids will stay in bed, when they do get up eventually, I am the problem, I ddinn’t get them up in time. My son has had two jobs and he can’t keep them, he gets in late, if I don’t push him out the door, he has a lot of days off, because he can’t cope. My other son sleeps all the time but can be up all night playing on a game, but can’t get himself to work, this is another of my problems I have to yell and yell to get him up. Alarm clocks don’t work, they need a mum clock and they then complain that I am a bad mum for the way I yell at them.
My two girls are in school and they do the same, I have to rouse them up for school and make sure they have breakfast and organise the lunch for everyone. After I had my surgery I was having to do the washing and cleaning in the house, they sit back and maybe do a bit of something but it is not enough.
I am always broke, I can’t afford to pay rent and the medical bills, visits to the doctors and everything that a mum is supposed to do. the kids are meant to pay me board and lodgings,but I am lucky to see that. then they always need to borrow off me, well it isn’t borrowing, because that would mean they have to pay me back, which never happens.
I keep talking to the counsellors about this and I always get told that they have lived wtih seeing their mum, the rock of their world slowling getting sick and they can’t cope with it, and by this acting out they are not trynig to make me suffer, but are trying to make me the one that keeps everything going. Well how long do I have to do that? I know I am going to die soon and my kids won’t be able to cope, they will just do nothing and probably lose the house and evertying in it, probably hock things to pay the bills.
Maybe you think that I am over reacting, maybe you think that I have the worst kids in the world. But I need help and I need it now. How do I make my children not drain me anymore than they are? I have spoke to other women going through breast cancer and they ahve the same problems with kids, but they atleast have a husband to help them. I don’t my kids dad walked out when the youngest was a baby to go and live with his white mistress. THey are very happy now, have a couple of kids, shame he forgets about the first lot of kids he had. I would love for him to step up and take a bit of strain off me and deal with his kids, even take them for the odd week end. I have actually asked him to take the kids during one of my hospital stays, but he couldn’t as his family was going to Bali.
I am hurting over this, I love my kids, but I don’t think I should be around them, as I am worried that they will kill me. Do I just walk out the door and give my kids over to the department so that I can get well. Are there any groups that help with this or can even help me with food and just doing some cooking and helping to clean. I want to stay alive for my kids, they are my world but I am scared of what will happen. I think sometimes that the parents who commit suicide are in the samee place I am in. Those that die too soon of cancer when ever one expects them to survive are pushed into an early grave by this.
An old woman told me that it’s not our way to deal with cancer or to talk about it. That it is death to us, I think I know what she means, we don’t know what to do and we don’t get the help and maybe the help isn’t out there for us. I don’t know what to think. I just want my kids to help me to get better no to help me get to the grave.
Please help me with any advice about who I can turn to