Death is still appealing

I had to visit the hospital yet again, for pain, while I was there I was asked  if I still believe in euthanasia and if I still want it for myself. I am still for euthanasia and I still want to die my own way with dignity.

The person (nurse who has treated me many a time) thought I might have changed my mind from when I was very sick and close to death to now. She said that if I had been able to die then I wouldn’t be here now, in better health.

This makes no difference to me. I wanted to die when I was very ill and more dead than alive. I had two years of pain and loss of control of my body, my mind and my dignity. I would have preferred to die. I still stand by that. Yes I am alive now, and it was hard to get to the point I am now, but no nothing has changed. If I get that bad again, I won’t go to a hospital I will die at home.

My quality of life is not like it used to be, I can’t get a permanent job because of the tumor, I can’t drive at night or on overcast days, because I can’t see. I also get a lot of pain if the sun glare is wrong. I suffer with the fractures from weakened bones, I can’t even do the gardening without being in pain. It seems like I do something then spend a day or two on painkillers. I can’t go to concerts or shows any more, I can’t play with my kids or nieces and nephews. Yes it’s a small price to pay for being alive. But I still want to die when I am ready, before I get to the stage that I have lived through before. No one should be able to stop me from dying with dignity.

Is that a light I see?

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel or is it just the super moon?

I am feeling more and more like me, but still having trouble, but I guess I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get out of this hole. One step, one hour, one day at a time. I have found myself sitting at home a lot more and actually watching television, I have been able to sit for hours watching nothing but crap that seems important at the time, so important that I tell the kids to hush. But ask me about the show after and I honestly have no idea. I guess I have been escaping into my brain and getting lost in there.

Each day I have forced myself to get out of bed, I make my youngest breakfast before she goes to school. This is one task I set to make me leave the comfort of my little shell. I have to admit I do laugh when I hear that she is the envy of her friends who have to make their own breakfast. I do my stretches for my pain and do a 5 km walk up and down my hall. I had to have a big argument with myself to make me go back to doing these things. Funny how it is so easy to just stop doing things but it is so hard to get back the habit of doing them.

I do a bit of cleaning, using the computer as a temptation to keep it up. I have not been on social media for a while, part of that black hole. But still loved reading news and other sites. I make myself interact a bit more to go back to how I once was.

If I am feeling the urge to watch endless television, I know I can do it guilt free after midday. I have set myself the goal of going out at least once a week to the library, a movie, the beach. Just somewhere that isn’t medical based. I do this by myself as I am not ready to be with others. That includes friends and family. Funny I don’t want to be around them and have them trying to cheer me up or something. Luckily they all understand and have told me they are there when I am ready.

I don’t know if how I am dealing with this depression is going to work, but I think it will. I am setting my own targets. I am striving to pull myself out of this. I don’t disparage myself if I can’t. I tell me that it’s okay and that we (me) will try again, and that every failure is a step towards getting well again.

I don’t recommend this for everyone, I am not qualified, but I think if I can share what I am doing it might help someone and give them an idea on how to help yourself.

In a dark dark place

I have been in a dark place, a place of self hate and hopelessness. I don’t know how I got there, but I must have taken a wrong turn on the road of life and ended up in this horrible small confined stifling dark heavy space.

I have not wanted to get out of bed and then when I get out, for some unknown reason I am happy to just sit at home in my pajamas. Can’t be bothered to have a shower, don’t want to do anything. Just think. Yet when I think, I don’t want to think. I get tired  doing nothing and want to go back to bed.

I feel useless because I can’t seem to get a permanent job, because of the tumor. I have lots of medical bills of things that are not covered under medicare or the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme). I never have enough money to do anything exciting. My life revolves around paying constant bills. I am the working poor.

My kids have had an unfair life over the past couple of years. They have the mum who should have been dead but isn’t. They have to live with mum having black outs and vague outs. They have to live with not having a lot of money, because medical bills have to be paid. This isn’t the life anyone wants for their kids. To be always on the look out if mum needs to be rushed to the hospital.

Many years ago when I was in hospital and wasn’t expected to live, I said good-bye to my children. Lately it seems that they would have been better off, if I had passed. They would have not had a mum. But I think the mental anguish and damage that they have had from my being ill have had a huge toll on them.

I have a son with so much to offer, but has severe depression. He lately went spiraling out with it and was feeling suicidal. I honestly felt I didn’t have enough in me to help him. What kind of mother does that make me?

Cancer has a huge impact on my mental health and the mental health of my kids. I expect so much from my kids, I have had to depend on them for so much. This makes it hard on them to be typical kids. How many 16 year old girls have to take into account the fact that mum could pass out if she gets too stressed out while having a typical teenage – parent argument?

I know that I can’t change what has happened, but I do feel guilty for what I have put my kids and family through with all of this.

Slowly starting to come out of the dark place, I think I may have opened the door a crack, but it is going to take some time.