In a dark dark place

I have been in a dark place, a place of self hate and hopelessness. I don’t know how I got there, but I must have taken a wrong turn on the road of life and ended up in this horrible small confined stifling dark heavy space.

I have not wanted to get out of bed and then when I get out, for some unknown reason I am happy to just sit at home in my pajamas. Can’t be bothered to have a shower, don’t want to do anything. Just think. Yet when I think, I don’t want to think. I get tired  doing nothing and want to go back to bed.

I feel useless because I can’t seem to get a permanent job, because of the tumor. I have lots of medical bills of things that are not covered under medicare or the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme). I never have enough money to do anything exciting. My life revolves around paying constant bills. I am the working poor.

My kids have had an unfair life over the past couple of years. They have the mum who should have been dead but isn’t. They have to live with mum having black outs and vague outs. They have to live with not having a lot of money, because medical bills have to be paid. This isn’t the life anyone wants for their kids. To be always on the look out if mum needs to be rushed to the hospital.

Many years ago when I was in hospital and wasn’t expected to live, I said good-bye to my children. Lately it seems that they would have been better off, if I had passed. They would have not had a mum. But I think the mental anguish and damage that they have had from my being ill have had a huge toll on them.

I have a son with so much to offer, but has severe depression. He lately went spiraling out with it and was feeling suicidal. I honestly felt I didn’t have enough in me to help him. What kind of mother does that make me?

Cancer has a huge impact on my mental health and the mental health of my kids. I expect so much from my kids, I have had to depend on them for so much. This makes it hard on them to be typical kids. How many 16 year old girls have to take into account the fact that mum could pass out if she gets too stressed out while having a typical teenage – parent argument?

I know that I can’t change what has happened, but I do feel guilty for what I have put my kids and family through with all of this.

Slowly starting to come out of the dark place, I think I may have opened the door a crack, but it is going to take some time.

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About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at aboriginalcancer.com View all posts by proudblacksista

2 responses to “In a dark dark place

  • TrishD

    My dearest darling friend. How sad that the kindest, caring, most valuable people are the ones that suffer and struggle to most. Whilst I hear and feel all that you say, I can’t agree. I don’t think the world needs you gone or will be better off. No one will love your children like you. Sick or well. That fact they have you a little longer is a blessing. Trust me. I would give anything to have mum back. It is sad how society treats the sick and struggling… But that is not YOUR failing!’ Mothers seem to forget the positive that comes from challenges and children learn to value and some coping skills when life happens. So much parenting guilt out there… I can’t take your pain or your struggle away but please believe me when I say that I feel blessed to have you in my life. And I want to be an ear and an heart when you need it. Thank you for continuing to write and share this journey. People need to hear and it helps to share. We. Adore. You. And. Respect. Your. Struggle.

  • scottx5

    This is a bit scattered…
    Reading your post had me thinking about we come to know we matter in the world. There just seems to be so many opportunities for screwing things up and the closer we watch ourselves the more we add to the impossible impossibility of keeping up with the, “I could have done it better voice.”
    Why is it that the hardest thing is to accept ourselves? That we are trying and fall and try again and the trying again should be considered heroic. Instead, the fall ends up being seen as defective or a sign of weakness. Our older daughter had some big challenges as a teenager as a result she collected a number of friends with parents who appeared to be rule bound and unforgiving of simple kid-type mistakes. Since we were the local “hippy” family, our house became a no-judgement-zone. It wasn’t from a lack of rules that made things work but from being OK because you are doing the best you can. Tolerance while developing responsibility is something kids (and adults) really need.
    Having a damaged heart I deal with a medical system that prides itself in the quality of “care” they dispense and always seems quite impatient with how I’m enacting my role as a patient. When I hurt I speak it and when they plea for my trust it’s always in a conversation around how I can’t get better unless I believe what they are doing is best. Wonder if the medicos realize how their often self-congratulatory caring that feels forced and scripted can play out as a dependency the patient chooses not participate in? A healthy person and a person seeking health would naturally gravitate away from collecting complicated relationships with people who are paid to “care”?

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