I have been in a dark place, a place of self hate and hopelessness. I don’t know how I got there, but I must have taken a wrong turn on the road of life and ended up in this horrible small confined stifling dark heavy space.
I have not wanted to get out of bed and then when I get out, for some unknown reason I am happy to just sit at home in my pajamas. Can’t be bothered to have a shower, don’t want to do anything. Just think. Yet when I think, I don’t want to think. I get tired doing nothing and want to go back to bed.
I feel useless because I can’t seem to get a permanent job, because of the tumor. I have lots of medical bills of things that are not covered under medicare or the PBS (Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme). I never have enough money to do anything exciting. My life revolves around paying constant bills. I am the working poor.
My kids have had an unfair life over the past couple of years. They have the mum who should have been dead but isn’t. They have to live with mum having black outs and vague outs. They have to live with not having a lot of money, because medical bills have to be paid. This isn’t the life anyone wants for their kids. To be always on the look out if mum needs to be rushed to the hospital.
Many years ago when I was in hospital and wasn’t expected to live, I said good-bye to my children. Lately it seems that they would have been better off, if I had passed. They would have not had a mum. But I think the mental anguish and damage that they have had from my being ill have had a huge toll on them.
I have a son with so much to offer, but has severe depression. He lately went spiraling out with it and was feeling suicidal. I honestly felt I didn’t have enough in me to help him. What kind of mother does that make me?
Cancer has a huge impact on my mental health and the mental health of my kids. I expect so much from my kids, I have had to depend on them for so much. This makes it hard on them to be typical kids. How many 16 year old girls have to take into account the fact that mum could pass out if she gets too stressed out while having a typical teenage – parent argument?
I know that I can’t change what has happened, but I do feel guilty for what I have put my kids and family through with all of this.
Slowly starting to come out of the dark place, I think I may have opened the door a crack, but it is going to take some time.