Is that a light I see?

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel or is it just the super moon?

I am feeling more and more like me, but still having trouble, but I guess I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get out of this hole. One step, one hour, one day at a time. I have found myself sitting at home a lot more and actually watching television, I have been able to sit for hours watching nothing but crap that seems important at the time, so important that I tell the kids to hush. But ask me about the show after and I honestly have no idea. I guess I have been escaping into my brain and getting lost in there.

Each day I have forced myself to get out of bed, I make my youngest breakfast before she goes to school. This is one task I set to make me leave the comfort of my little shell. I have to admit I do laugh when I hear that she is the envy of her friends who have to make their own breakfast. I do my stretches for my pain and do a 5 km walk up and down my hall. I had to have a big argument with myself to make me go back to doing these things. Funny how it is so easy to just stop doing things but it is so hard to get back the habit of doing them.

I do a bit of cleaning, using the computer as a temptation to keep it up. I have not been on social media for a while, part of that black hole. But still loved reading news and other sites. I make myself interact a bit more to go back to how I once was.

If I am feeling the urge to watch endless television, I know I can do it guilt free after midday. I have set myself the goal of going out at least once a week to the library, a movie, the beach. Just somewhere that isn’t medical based. I do this by myself as I am not ready to be with others. That includes friends and family. Funny I don’t want to be around them and have them trying to cheer me up or something. Luckily they all understand and have told me they are there when I am ready.

I don’t know if how I am dealing with this depression is going to work, but I think it will. I am setting my own targets. I am striving to pull myself out of this. I don’t disparage myself if I can’t. I tell me that it’s okay and that we (me) will try again, and that every failure is a step towards getting well again.

I don’t recommend this for everyone, I am not qualified, but I think if I can share what I am doing it might help someone and give them an idea on how to help yourself.


About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at View all posts by proudblacksista

2 responses to “Is that a light I see?

  • scottx5

    Odd how experience is sometimes judged not a qualification. I think my doctors forget I’m there “being sick” while they are doctoring me. Someday I’ll figure that one out.
    Today’s success was to extend the legs on the shoe rack to make it easier to reach the shoes. Original plan required very common materials I couldn’t find in town. So I started “adapting” this and altering that and all the while telling myself the guy story about how I had meant it to look this way. And even though it looks awful and doesn’t fit, the plan is to give it a new history where the rack starts out looking fine and passed through an ugly stage then RECOVERED and is now happy (enough).
    For some reason a lot of things in life don’t seem right unless they work the first time. That makes it easy to give up–not a good a way to go through life. Glad you’re feeling better!

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