Death is still appealing

I had to visit the hospital yet again, for pain, while I was there I was asked  if I still believe in euthanasia and if I still want it for myself. I am still for euthanasia and I still want to die my own way with dignity.

The person (nurse who has treated me many a time) thought I might have changed my mind from when I was very sick and close to death to now. She said that if I had been able to die then I wouldn’t be here now, in better health.

This makes no difference to me. I wanted to die when I was very ill and more dead than alive. I had two years of pain and loss of control of my body, my mind and my dignity. I would have preferred to die. I still stand by that. Yes I am alive now, and it was hard to get to the point I am now, but no nothing has changed. If I get that bad again, I won’t go to a hospital I will die at home.

My quality of life is not like it used to be, I can’t get a permanent job because of the tumor, I can’t drive at night or on overcast days, because I can’t see. I also get a lot of pain if the sun glare is wrong. I suffer with the fractures from weakened bones, I can’t even do the gardening without being in pain. It seems like I do something then spend a day or two on painkillers. I can’t go to concerts or shows any more, I can’t play with my kids or nieces and nephews. Yes it’s a small price to pay for being alive. But I still want to die when I am ready, before I get to the stage that I have lived through before. No one should be able to stop me from dying with dignity.

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About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at aboriginalcancer.com View all posts by proudblacksista

3 responses to “Death is still appealing

  • scottx5

    Don’t know how to “like” this. Not supposed to think of death at all except it does happen and is real. I hear your sense of being alive is important from your blog. You sound determined to not be pushed into giving up and that’s very important to your spirit. My experience with letting go has happened only once and I was brought back so it must not have been the “right time” or something. But it also happened after a long period of keeping it together and was exhausted and didn’t have the strength to keep on going. Too tired to decide, or giving up don’t feel worthy of giving up a life.

    Maybe it’s about things that are still in us to give that need us to be patient until we are completely empty?

    Or, like I hear you say, dying on your own terms with neither permissions or explanations–your decision and only yours. That’s what dignity is about, the right to make your own decisions. Yet, in a strange thought that just came up, it feels to me like death is such a very serious decision that we need advice on it:-( Or maybe it’s late here and time to stop thinking?

  • Rebecca

    I want to let you know that I totally support you. I think the ability to choose/control one’s death is something that is really important – especially when cancer took away the ability to control one’s life. I remember one time during chemo having the reflection of, if this was the rest of my life I wouldn’t want to do it. I knew that it wasn’t – in that I knew I was going through the worst and it would get better. But I want you to know that I hear you. I get it. And I want you to have the choice to not go through unnecessary suffering for the benefit of the healthcare system and not the benefit of the patient. Sending you virtual hugs!

  • Greg Page

    Hi Sis,

    It’s really sad to hear of your daily battles but I just want you to know that your encouragement over the past couple of years on Twitter has meant a lot to me. I’d love to have a coffee with you one day if you were feeling up to it for a chat as I know you’re a real character, am sure we’d have a laugh. Take it easy and just know a lot of us who you don’t know personally are thinking of you.. our deadly twitter sister.

    Take care,
    Greg.

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