Scream and shout.

This week is a busy one for me, youngest child turns 17, the State of Origin series kicks off this week, game 1 here in Queensland and I have stage 1 of repairing my jaw.

My daughter is going to have a good birthday, we are determined to give her a good day and not have any worry about mum. Mum, mum, it’s always mum. Mums health interrupts with so many activities. For this birthday, my health and the worry the kids have are not going to be allowed. This will be all about the child and fun. There is enough time for worrying later.

I am being brave and trying to keep my cool as this is only the first part of removing the lump in my jaw. I have been psyching myself up and preparing myself for having teeth removed from one side of my mouth to enable better access to the jaw and the problem there.  Because I have health issues caused from previous treatments of my brain tumour, it is going to be a slow process.

I like that it’s going to be slow. Depending on how I cope with the teeth removal will decide on the best way forward. But I will let you into a secret. I am sick of this, I am over it. I don’t want someone poking around in my jaw. I know that it’s not too bad. I have read up on it, I’ve seen the end results, I’ve spoken to a person who has had this same thing done. It’s not a big deal, yet I am worried, I know my other health issues have made it a bit tricky to deal with and to come up with the best plan of attack. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

My mind tells my nerves that it will all be fine, that things will go well, then stage two can be done and soon it will be sorted. Much better than not removing it, then it will grow, my jaw will go out-of-place and I probably won’t be able to talk.  Yep doing this is the right thing to do, I just need to be cool and positive. I need to not let fear take over.

I want to scream at the world and scream at me and scream at everything until nothing is left to scream about. Just get rid of that frustration and fear. Lets hope the game this week will give me an opportunity to scream. yeah, it will, I will be loud and my poor television and kids will have to put up with it.

I know that I am rambling a bit, guess I can’t help it. When I thought about what to post today, I was undecided, do I share a story? Do I share what I am going through? Do I share some helpful ideas?  I chose to write about what I feel for this week, but looking over what I have in my drafts, I saw I wrote something a while ago about screaming. I thought YES, YES, YES. But it’s not enough. Guess I’m going to do both, talk about this week and join it with a piece on screaming….

When you feel like there is no tomorrow and want someone to talk to where do you go? Cancer Council in all the states have counselors and if you go to your local AMS they also have people there to talk to. Your doctor can recommend you go to talk to some one and if you are on a care package, which you should be, you are eligible for a couple of free visits to a counselor. Many, bulk bill which takes the stress of paying for it.

Some Community organisations have set days where you can book in to talk to someone, this is free. The Salvation Army have wonderful people who can help. So that is a start, but sometimes you don’t want to talk to a stranger you want to talk to someone you know, and that is a bit tricky trying to find someone to talk to, because you don’t want to burden them with your problems and you want to make sure that they are alright with you just off loading how you feel at the moment.

I know that yelling at the sky is a good release, but chose your location carefully, you don’t want to go  the local park and scream at the heavens and then look around at the scared shocked faces of little kids.

You can scream into your pillow, but that is not as satisfying, I have heard that there are places that you can do just that, yell and scream to release all of the frustrations and anger you feel. Wouldn’t that be brilliant if you can turn up somewhere and yell and scream until you are hoarse.

 

 

 

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About proudblacksista

An Aboriginal woman. mother of 4 diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour 7 years ago.I want to share my story to help others. I am working to help other Aboriginal people face the battles of Cancer. Email me with your stories or concerns at aboriginalcancer.com View all posts by proudblacksista

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