I have a birthday this week, I also have another minor surgery for the tumor growing on my jaw. I really need to change the way I think. I was once determined to beat cancer and live a life of love and contentment, watch my children grow up, work and have friends.
But somewhere I lost sight of being grateful. I was so grateful that I was alive, that I had overcome so much and that I was still around. I helped others, I struggled but I was grateful and relatively happy. I lost that, somewhere I started to whinge and whine and complain at the unjustness of life and what I had been served. I need to remember to be happy and to be grateful. I have to stop being cranky and a terrible mum to my kids. I don’t want to be depressed, I don’t want to always be worrying about how to pay the med bills, I want to have fun, I want to laugh, I want to be a happy mum again.
I don’t know when the change happened, it just did and a shock last week made me realise how much I had slipped. Instead of being grateful that I am still here, I think why am I still here. I am wasting peoples time and I am a burden to my kids. I am never 100 percent well, so what is the point. I need reminding that I am still here and that is a good thing, I have good days and bad days, but at least I have seen my kids grow up. I have watched as my nieces and nephews grow and as some new members of the world have entered. I have been blessed to see that.
I used to be happy when I changed medications or picked up some extra income, anything that would make those bills a little less. The extra money went on other bills or sometimes even a treat for the family. But instead it became a relief that I wasn’t paying it, feeling jealous of those who have medications on the PBS and don’t pay so much. How can you justify jealousy of that? I mean actual jealous, envy, not just the feeling of unfairness that others like me have to pay so much because the PBS is a popularity competition. It is laughable in a way to be jealous that someone who has a chronic illness has a break that you don’t
I dislike, nay hate that I can’t get a job a permanent full time job because of Charlotte (the name of my tumor), I think how terrible are others who won’t employ me or give me go. When I should be grateful that I pick up a bit of work here and there. I see only the negative and not the positive of every situation. I mean the positive of picking up work here and there, is that I don’t have Centrelink problems, trust me that is a blessing if I don’t have to spend ages sorting out how much I can earn and then waiting for payment after I finish a job. That wait while I get processed again, is very very hard financially.
The frustration I feel at not being able to push or get anyone to help me get Indigenous cancer workers, it is something I think is needed, but I have been pushing for a long time, I get a lot of people and people in organisations agree that it is needed, but no one will work with me to become a reality has plagued me to the point I gave up on pushing for it. So I will change my mindset and tell myself it’s just not time yet, but keep working on it. Don’t fall into a heap of feeling worthless because it hasn’t happened. Just be grateful that I have been there for some individuals and that I have helped them. Count this as a victory, not a failure to those you can’t help.
I see my kids not doing chores around the house, and I get upset and think they are thoughtless selfish kids. I think they are terrible for not doing things that I can’t do, it eats away at me and builds up. It gets blown out of proportion. I need to remember that they are teens and young adults, they are not being hateful. I forget they have a lot to deal with, study and work, their social lives, they can’t be at my beck and call. I need to remember that they too have had a terrible time over the last few years. Imagine how hard it is to watch your mother be so ill and to be told by doctors to say good bye. Yep I forgot they have lives and their own problems. I had become so self centered and caught up in my own misery.
I am going to try to turn it all around and change. I am going to read gratitude quotes, until they become part of my life again. I am going to try to be thankful for 5 things everyday and once a week list long term things to be grateful. I am going to try to change this mind set and remember that this birthday this week is a blessing, it’s a day that I wasn’t supposed to have reached. I need to celebrate that. I will celebrate the birthday that I shouldn’t have had. I will be grateful and celebrate that I have one child left in high school, when I started this journey I had three in school.
Yes I need to get out of this rut, I have played with depression off and on for the past 8 years, but I don’t want to be the misery in other peoples lives. I want to feel happy again. I want to find contentment. When I was a child their was an ad on TV about contented cows, I asked my mum what contented meant, she told me that it’s when you are satisfied in yourself, happiness and sadness are fleeting but contentment stays with you. I wanted to be one of those cows. Somewhere, somehow, I forgot about those cows, now is the time to change, to be content.