My Mental Health Journey

It’s been a tough couple of months I have been struggling to get by and I have been struggling mentally. I reached a low, I couldn’t be bothered. Why on earth am I here against the odds? What is the purpose of God or the universe to save from death just to make me struggle so much, to never have peace? I have had surgeries and have had to try to find a way to pay for them, money is a constant torment to me, I am always in fear of being evicted for not paying the rent. I worry that the electricity will get cut off one day, I always contact the company before due date and start paying off the electricity, but my bill is huge. Why? Well I have teens or rather young adults, and that has added to the problems. My kids are not pulling their weight.

I have a child who has been affected by depression since the age of 14. That child had been suffering and having a bad time for a couple of months and that put a lot of pressure on me. As a sole parent, I am the one that has to do the work of two. I am always the blame, the one to take your frustrations on. (Strange that absent, abusive, not interested parents get way with so much and they are the cause of so many problems, but the responsible, good parent has to suffer the anger of the child.)

This child is so draining on me, he is like a washita always needing more and more, and I could not give any more. But that didn’t stop the jungerrie from still wanting, wanting, wanting. Always taking and never replacing, never helping, never a kind word.

I also had my youngest suffering with a lot of pain, in and out of hospital while they tried to work out what was the problem.  She, was not an easy patient. This luckily has been sorted. Again, it is the sole parent who has to be there at every doctor and hospital appointment. The sole parent ensuring that while the child is going through all this that the child, gets school work done. She is/was in year 12, as any parent of a daughter knows the last semester of year 12 is drama filled with exams, parties, formal, graduation, awards and of course schoolies.

I have tried to be there for those who have no one, helping others find the help they need, access services. This was another burden to me, I say burden because that is what it felt like at the time. I couldn’t let down people, as it is their lives, health, both physical and mental at risk. Doing this takes time, it is work that organisations get funded for, but obviously don’t do right, otherwise there would not be so many Indigenous people contacting me for help.

It just got way too much for me, always struggling and trying hard, for what? Just to have life kick me in the teeth again?  I am starting to see an end to the problems, or rather I should say a way of not letting it all overwhelm me. I have a new doctor, who straight away, started running tests. She isn’t satisfied with the old prognosis of I faint and black out because of stress and the brain tumour don’t like stress. She is looking at other avenues to help with the prognosis, she is finding out how stress and brain tumours react. She is looking for the links of the jaw problems. She is overhauling the medications. I’m very happy about that. I told her how I was feeling and agreed with me I need some help with my mental health.

So while I wait to see what happens with that, I at least feel that some of the burden is lifted and that, I could be turning the corner.










Cancer Cheats

Having cancer sucks, it’s hard trying to live a normal life and to pay the never-ending bills. You get sympathy for a while, but that dwindles, you scramble to pay the bills and hold it all together and then you see the likes of Belle Gibson and Kate Hubble.




So many people who are affected by cancer struggle to pay the bills and keep it all together. Sure it helps if you are perky and white, guess it doesn’t hurt to have been a national sports star. No morals have to be part of your make up to do this. It is not just a mental health issue that these women do this. I really don’t buy the munchausen syndrome angle that some say applies here.

Munchausen syndrome is a factitious disorder, a mental disorder in which a person repeatedly and deliberately acts as if he or she has a physical or mental illness when he or she is not really sick. Munchausen syndrome is considered a mental illness because it is associated with severe emotional difficulties.May 18, 2016

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The audacity of Belle Gibson and Kate Hubble to pretend they have cancer and to make money from that. These women have conned money out of charities and well-meaning people by lying about having cancer. Yes it is all about the money.

How do these women garner so much money and sympathy when there are so many families suffering and going broke trying to pay cancer bills. So many families suffer and break up under the strain. Mental health issues within families affected by cancer are huge. But these women have the gall to play at being sick.

They deserve more than fines, these women and others who might try to do this, should be made to pay all monies back and should have to spend time in jail. They should also be made to help out in oncology units to see the real impact and effects.

These women, who are living high off ill-gotten gains, are a disgusting blight. You might think I’m over reacting, but being a person who has had to ask for donations to help pay my bills. I have also see so many others do the same. Where is the help for us? How do they convince cancer charities and get their help, when so many Indigenous people get no help?  I am part of an online network of Indigenous people who help each other when no one else does, yet this happens?

I am so angry and gobsmacked, if these women weren’t white if they were women of colour, can you imagine the outrage of the public?


Under Pressure

I have been having some problems, actually when do I not have some problems?  The pressure is building up behind my eye, and I must have surgery next week to relieve the pressure.

It’s been slowly building up, I have felt it, apart from the usual pain, my eye has been hurting. It gets itchy and sore, it’s irritated and its blurry and sometimes I just can’t see at all out of my eye.  On the positive side, I have had this before and it only affects one eye at a time. I would really hate to have both eyes affected at the same time.

So what happens is the blood and fluid seem to rush around the one eye, the small capillaries can burst and I get really bad blood-shot eye  or hemorrhage in the eye that is affected. I weep blood like some sacred statue,  but I can’t perform a miracle healing on myself.  I have a patch to wear so that my eye is not affected by light and under that I wear a band-aid for the weeping, if I didn’t someone would start praying at my feet and that would just go to my heat and God would strike me with a lightening bolt.

Again, I point out that I am lucky, the first time I had this, I didn’t know what it was,  and had a nasty incident with a racist paramedic.  This time I knew something was wrong and had time to see a doctor and to get it all organised to have surgery next week. While it’s been annoying and frustrating, I can’t go anywhere, I can’t read or watch TV for long before the soreness & fuzzy of the good eye is way too much to deal with. God Damn it, this has had an impact on my tweeting!!

My vision in the gammy eye will improve after the surgery, you don’t realise when it slowly bit by bit affects the eye sight, it’s not until one day you realise that things in the distance look like a Jackson Pollock painting. It’s rather funny that now at this point, with the eye shut the swirling around in black or blurred white is definitely a Jackson Pollock piece.

So until next week I am doing my best pirate walk and talk .




Private patients left out

I share a letter from a reader 


I’m a 59 year old woman and because I had a hard time with my cancer I am unable to work or do many things that I used to be able to do. I don’t have breast cancer anymore but still need help. I had been signed up for a care coordination services at my doctor, a woman came and talked to me and my doctor and told me all the benefits like someone to take me to my hospital appointments, assistance in finding specialists and access to services like optometry, podiatry and pain management. Two weeks later I had an appointment at the hospital and I asked my doctor to arrange for the people to take me to the appointment, there was some confusion as the doctor thought I had to do that, I thought the surgery did it as I had no contact details. Turned out that the doctor hadn’t been given a card or anything as to who to contact. The receptionist found the paper work and it had a contact number and the name of the woman. The call was made and the people in the team wanted to speak to me, so I took the phone, I explained who I was and that ….. had come to my doctors surgery and signed me up to this program and that I needed help to get to an appointment in town at the hospital. They took my name and number and said they would call back.

A couple of days later and I hadn’t heard from that mob so I called them. I told this other woman the background and she listened and asked me what date and time was my appointment, she said that she would check the diary and see if anyone is available but that priority goes to clients of ….. and …. ( Aboriginal Medical Services). I asked why they came to my doctor if they aren’t going to help me? A couple more days and I still didn’t know if I had transport to the hospital or not and I called them again. I spoke to a different person and told them how I was signed up and I need help with an appointment coming up soon and I didn’t know if they were going to take me or not, this one told me that someone would be able to take me to my appointment, that it was in the diary and took my address. I was relieved that I had a way to get to the hospital and thought that was that.

On the day of my appointment a lady came and identified herself as ….. from….., and asked if we could sit down and have a chat before going to the appointment. She told me about the local community transport and gave me a flyer for them asking me if I had used them and recommended that give them a try when I needed transport. I asked … to explain to me the care coordination, she gave me a pamphlet and told me it was part of the closing the gap and it was for Indigenous clients who have major chronic illness and she told me what the other lady said at the doctors surgery. So I asked her if it offers me this, can she help me get glasses and I need to see someone about my feet and I need access to the pain management clinic. She told me that if I went to the AMS I could get those services there. I told her I was happy with my doctor and can she help me find the services I need and help with the transport. She told me priority was given to AMS clients and that it would be better for me to change doctors as it would make things easier for me.

I explained I like my doctor and I’m not changing to the AMS as too many gossips and everybody wants to know your business and they got no shame with wanting to dorry. I asked her about the pain management clinic and said I really need it, she told me to ring around to some places and to get back to her. She told me to go to one of the optometrist places in the local shopping centre and that medicare gives everyone a free eye test and that all the shops have a range of glasses that are free for medicare. She told me to ask my doctor if he could recommend a podiatrist and that if I tell them I’m on a CCSS package and to ask them to bulk bill me.  I asked her what she is supposed to do, she said she helps with transport and organises appointments and helps with all the services. She told me to change my doctor and at the AMS things would be easier for me and it would be in my own best interest to sign on.

I don’t like being told what I should do, if a service is there funded by the government to help me, this mob should be doing that, not telling me to change doctors to make their work easier. If they have free glasses and shoes and medical aids at the AMS under this package, then they should have them for the clients who don’t go to the AMS. That is discriminatory to treat people like that. You shouldn’t be able to do that, it’s government money to help people like me, so they should be using it and doing their job, not expecting private patients to do it for them. Why do they go around to doctors surgery signing on people that they have no intention of helping.





Our Views, Our Voices

I’m asking everyone to do this online survey if you have or live with a family member who has a noncommunicable disease. It doesn’t matter what country you are in or from. I really urge Indigenous mob to do it, we need to get our information out there

This online survey aims to better understand the daily impact of noncommunicable diseases on people’s lives and their recommendations for decision makers.

Your responses will be collected along with those of other people all over the world to help create an Advocacy Agenda of People Living with Noncommunicable Diseases. This Agenda will be presented to decision makers from across the world so that noncommunicable diseases (NCDs) become a priority everywhere.

The main NCDs comprise cancer, cardiovascular disease, chronic respiratory diseases, and diabetes, as well as a range of other diseases and conditions, including mental health disorders, neurological disorders, autoimmune disorders such as psoriasis, bone and joint conditions such as osteoporosis and arthritis, renal, oral, eye and ear diseases, and injuries and disabilities. Many NCDs are linked by four shared major risk factors – tobacco use, unhealthy diet, physical inactivity, and harmful use of alcohol.



Fake tan is just as bad as black face

“I’m going to use a really dark fake tan and not do the black face”

A woman from a government department has just been in my house and she was telling me that she is going to a party on the week end a part with a theme, the theme is Australian music award winners. If you are wondering why I know this, why did she share this with me? I wondered this too, who cares what she is doing.

She told me she loves Jessica Mauboy and was going as her. The conversation then took a very nasty turn. This white woman told me that she was going to use a really dark fake tan and not do the black face. Did she want me to congratulate her on being a decent human being. Yes then I realised, hang on you’re not going to black face but have a really dark fake tan. I expressed my opinion that doing this was half a step from black face.

Ignoring my warning she then told me she was going to also wear lipstick, her words were” I’m going to wear lipstick, really bright red lipstick you know lubra lips  red lipstick”.  Yes these words were spoken in my house.

I don’t know how I kept my cool, but I informed her that both were racist and that using ‘lubra lips’ is incredibly offensive and I’m amazed she can sit in my house using such brazen racist terms.  She explained that she grew up with Aboriginals in Western Queensland and that she was of a Muslim Heritage family. I told her I didn’t care what her background was and that she would be knocked on her arse if she said lubra lips to any Aboriginal woman. I asked her to leave and I went down to her office and made a complaint about her.

I went to the office and I waited and waited until I could see her manager, a woman who assured me that Marissa (yes that was her name) wasn’t really racist and she grew up around Aboriginal people in Western Queensland and she wouldn’t have meant any offence, could I have been overreacting?

Well folks I don’t think I’m overreacting I think I’m under reacting if anything. I had to give a history lesson to the manager, just like I did to Marissa. This is just a sign of how racism against Aboriginal people is down played. Incidents like this encounter  are under reported and denied by people or just seen as an over reaction.

I’m just totally disgusted that someone, anyone could still use language like lubra lips and believe that it’s okay or to think that fake tanning is better than full on blackface.

I’m going to organise a formal complaint to the regional manager of that department and if need be I’m going to the minister, this shit has got to stop.



Is anybody listening?

Thought I would take the time to give an update on what is happening with me. I have regular hospital visits but I’m still here posting and sharing your stories.

I first started blogging to tell my experiences and to share the tips I had picked up on the way. I had hoped it would help others, because I was amazed at the lack of help for Indigenous people. Then you the reader and others started sharing your experiences and had the same story, no one was there to help, I thought this deserves more than an approval tick in the comments, I started to get in-boxed on Facebook with stories and questions. The most logical thing to do was to honour your stories and post them, I only take out the names of people and places, not just to protect the innocent/guilty but to protect myself from any backlash. I think even taking out those details the stories are powerful and show their is a gap that our people are falling through. This gap is part of the reason why so many of us die from cancer when we shouldn’t be.

Being able to share your story of loneliness is important too, to show that you are not alone, we know as Indigenous people that cancer is a shame thing in the community. That shame stems from the great numbers of our people who die from cancer, who go to hospital and never return. Our community doesn’t have the education out there explaining the complexities of cancer and its treatments, so we fear it. That is one thing that I have been trying to change, that fear that not talking that loss of hope with cancer.

My mother died from cancer and she was misdiagnosed for years, she was told she needed a hip replacement, but in fact she had cancer and needed that treated, when she fell and broke her hip, they found the cancer and she passed away not long after that.  I don’t want that to happen to any more of our people. I want us to be able to get the help we need. I want us to survive cancer.

I get calls from people many that I don’t even know, who are given my phone number by someone else, I go and visit people, take them to treatment, sit with them through treatment, go to medical appointments with them. I also try to get these people to help others that are going through the same thing. I don’t get paid to do this, I do this because some one has to do it. Okay I have to admit that I don’t do it so much now, as my health has been a bit iffy for the past 6 months, but I try to help the person get assistance in the travel or what ever. I can’t always talk on the phone, because I get head aches or my jaw starts hurting, so I have long rambling email or text conversations.

So, I’m still here if you  want to share your story or experiences with me the email is I’m always willing to help if you need someone to talk with, need some help in finding assistance or how to navigate the medical system. You can also find me on Twitter. I’m the one quite often having a rant about the lack of services for Indigenous people with cancer. I’m Proudblacksista

Join me in the Facebook group Aboriginal Cancer Connections, this is a closed group and its a nice space to feel safe and ask questions and get a variety of answers from different Indigenous people around the country. We also ask that no one come into our group to use it for research or study purposes, this is space for us as Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people to share our journey and help each other.  The group is open to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people who are or have been affected by cancer, we also welcome non Indigenous partners or parents into our space.

The reason I started the group was that I shared information with a another Aboriginal woman on Facebook a mutual friend connected us, as she was in the same position as me. She found no help for herself and a system doesn’t bother with Indigenous people, all the services out there ignore us. So we helped each other via Facebook in different states and we also helped others around us. So the next step was to have a page for all of us to share our journey and share our advice.  So if you are Indigenous please come and join us.