It’s been a tough couple of months I have been struggling to get by and I have been struggling mentally. I reached a low, I couldn’t be bothered. Why on earth am I here against the odds? What is the purpose of God or the universe to save from death just to make me struggle so much, to never have peace? I have had surgeries and have had to try to find a way to pay for them, money is a constant torment to me, I am always in fear of being evicted for not paying the rent. I worry that the electricity will get cut off one day, I always contact the company before due date and start paying off the electricity, but my bill is huge. Why? Well I have teens or rather young adults, and that has added to the problems. My kids are not pulling their weight.
I have a child who has been affected by depression since the age of 14. That child had been suffering and having a bad time for a couple of months and that put a lot of pressure on me. As a sole parent, I am the one that has to do the work of two. I am always the blame, the one to take your frustrations on. (Strange that absent, abusive, not interested parents get way with so much and they are the cause of so many problems, but the responsible, good parent has to suffer the anger of the child.)
This child is so draining on me, he is like a washita always needing more and more, and I could not give any more. But that didn’t stop the jungerrie from still wanting, wanting, wanting. Always taking and never replacing, never helping, never a kind word.
I also had my youngest suffering with a lot of pain, in and out of hospital while they tried to work out what was the problem. She, was not an easy patient. This luckily has been sorted. Again, it is the sole parent who has to be there at every doctor and hospital appointment. The sole parent ensuring that while the child is going through all this that the child, gets school work done. She is/was in year 12, as any parent of a daughter knows the last semester of year 12 is drama filled with exams, parties, formal, graduation, awards and of course schoolies.
I have tried to be there for those who have no one, helping others find the help they need, access services. This was another burden to me, I say burden because that is what it felt like at the time. I couldn’t let down people, as it is their lives, health, both physical and mental at risk. Doing this takes time, it is work that organisations get funded for, but obviously don’t do right, otherwise there would not be so many Indigenous people contacting me for help.
It just got way too much for me, always struggling and trying hard, for what? Just to have life kick me in the teeth again? I am starting to see an end to the problems, or rather I should say a way of not letting it all overwhelm me. I have a new doctor, who straight away, started running tests. She isn’t satisfied with the old prognosis of I faint and black out because of stress and the brain tumour don’t like stress. She is looking at other avenues to help with the prognosis, she is finding out how stress and brain tumours react. She is looking for the links of the jaw problems. She is overhauling the medications. I’m very happy about that. I told her how I was feeling and agreed with me I need some help with my mental health.
So while I wait to see what happens with that, I at least feel that some of the burden is lifted and that, I could be turning the corner.